


Worth it

by Loopstagirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:25:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1895637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loopstagirl/pseuds/Loopstagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How wrong he had been when he said no man was worth his tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth it

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners.
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone will recognise this but it is the first short story in my Camelot_Drabble series. I'm planning to work my way through some of them and extend them into something a bit longer rather than having a restricted word count. It's something I've wanted to do for a while, just now getting around to it.

_No man is worth your tears._

That was what Arthur had told him years ago, when he was nothing more than a prince wanting to prove himself. Merlin had known why he was saying it, how he was wanting to prove that he could control his emotions and be the strong leader that he thought the kingdom needed. What he didn’t appreciate, however, was just how hard that was when reality struck. Neither of them quite managed to stick to it. It was easy to say it when it was a knight, maybe even a friend, but nothing more than that. It was easy in theory. The reality was a much harsher concept.

When Uther had died, Arthur hadn’t been able to stop the tears trickling down his face. It was in that moment Merlin knew his prince –no, king – understood how pointless his words were. Feeling made them stronger. Although in this case it fuelled Arthur’s desire for revenge against Odin, Merlin knew he had learnt the lesson. If someone was worth their tears, then they were worth remembering and honouring.

 Merlin himself found that he was letting everything he felt go when Gaius had just not woken up one morning. It had been bad enough when he had lost his father. But that had only been knowing the man for a few days. He had lamented over the fact that he even had one rather than the man himself. As guilty as it made him feel thinking it, he didn’t know Balinor. It wasn’t the same as when Uther had died. Arthur hadn’t understood the reasons then why Merlin had been crying, and in a way Merlin wasn’t sure he did either. Balinor dying had seemingly spelt out the doom for Camelot as Merlin hadn’t been sure he would be able to take up the legacy of what had been left to him. It hadn’t just been his father he had cried over, but all the people he would potentially let down.

Gaius was different. Gaius had been a father to him in more ways than one. He had been the only one in Camelot for a long time who knew truly who Merlin was and didn’t judge him on it. Or, more importantly, did judge him when he felt Merlin was being an idiot or had done something that warranted praise – although Gaius would never repeat words of affection more than once. He _had_ been a father, a mentor and a dear friend and Merlin thought the world had fallen apart when he realised what the unusual tinge to Gaius’ cheeks that morning had meant.

Arthur had held him for days, not trying to stop Merlin from weeping for his lost mentor. He had never said that one shouldn’t cry, but that one wasn’t necessarily worth the tears and grief. It should have been a celebration of their life, not mourning the passing. Merlin had ignored the words Arthur was whispering in his ear about how proud Gaius was of him and how he would always be remembered. All he could focus on was clutching onto Arthur’s shirt and hiding away in his lover’s chest. It had been the reassuring thud of Arthur’s heartbeat that had eventually helped Merlin ground himself, knowing that life still existed in Camelot despite Gaius being gone.

After that, Merlin had moved into Arthur’s chambers. There was no one left to disapprove of their relationship. Not that Gaius did, but Merlin had known old age had been creeping up on the man and he would struggle should Merlin move out. He had nothing tying him to that room now, and it just hurt too much to come down each morning to an empty room.

Arthur had insisted on keeping him close and Merlin didn’t argue. For a long time, he felt as if he wouldn’t live again. Even when they made love and his body arched in pleasure, his mind was far away. He knew it was hurting Arthur, him being like this. But he couldn’t bring himself to change. Something had died with Gaius and Merlin knew what it was.

His innocence and childhood. There was nothing to remind him of the fool that had first stumbled into Camelot, not now he was unofficially the king’s consort. Not everyone knew about his magic, but the few who did knew he was powerful. He was seen as a fool no more, and part of Merlin missed the simplistic nature of those days.

But eventually, he did start to live again. He started to smile, to eat and genuinely take pleasure in being with Arthur again. The king responded in like, seeming to light up the whole room every time he saw Merlin smile, as if it had been some great accomplishment on his behalf.

Happiness, however, couldn’t last forever.

The raging storm above being dragged into existence by his wild magic, Merlin was realising just how wrong Arthur was.Every man was worth his tears in one way or another, some more than others. His tears were a symbol; the person had existed, and now had moved on. Just the way the tears sprang from nothingness into streaming rivulets down his cheeks.

Arthur had been so wrong.

 _“As usual,”_ a fond voice in the back of his mind whispered, but Merlin pushed it away. He was focusing on keeping the rain off the King’s collapsed form, body wrapped around Arthur’s as he tried to force his magic out and into his love’s. He had to try and stop the life from slipping out of him like this. He was meant to be a powerful warlock, there had to be something he could do! Tears streamed down his face faster than the rain but Merlin lost sight of them as they splashed onto Arthur’s chest. Why didn’t they do something to heal him? His magic had abandoned him now that he needed it the most.

He knew the storm was his fault. The sky was also crying. His magic had burst from him when he realised they weren’t going to make it in time yet the only thing it did was change the weather while Merlin drew Arthur closer to him and tried to promise that it was going to be alright. Ever since finding out the truth, however, Arthur had always been able to see through his lies and Merlin knew this was no different.

It wasn’t going to be alright.

And there was certainly no way he wasn’t going to show the world precisely how he was feeling about that.

 “Stop thinking...” A hoarse voice croaked, and Merlin stared down through watery eyes to see the normally vibrant blue orbs looking back at him. There was nothing vibrant about Arthur’s eyes now, clouded with pain and acceptance. Arthur managed to force a smile on his face though, and Merlin knew it was for his sake. Arthur knew his time had come. He was trying to make Merlin accept the truth as well, knowing how his lover would react once he had drawn his last breath.

“And kiss me.”

 For once in his life, Merlin did as he was told. He could feel Arthur smiling into it, a hand reaching up to cup the back of his neck awkwardly. It was all wrong and yet it still felt so right, Arthur’s body pressed against his. Merlin hoped that some of his warmth was draining into the king, for he could feel how cold Arthur was. His magic could create fire; but no flame could relight Arthur’s extinguishing light. Merlin knew it didn’t matter what he did, it was too late.

Instead, he focused on pressing back into Arthur’s hand, letting the king feel that he was there and wasn’t going to leave him. Merlin would never leave him. Suddenly, Arthur’s hand fell with an audible thud back to the muddy ground, his fingers twitching in pain for a moment before they too fell still. Merlin stared, willing Arthur’s hand to twitch again.

It was then that he realised he wanted Arthur’s eyes to open. He would rather face the clouded gaze looking back at him than nothing at all.

 “Arthur?” Merlin could barely hear his own voice over the howling storm. But deep down, hope still lingered in his chest that Arthur somehow would hear him. That he would know Merlin needed him back by his side and return to him.

There was no answer, but the smile was still on his face. Arthur’s eyes remained shut and Merlin watched helplessly as the same greyish hue he had seen on Arthur’s overcame Arthur. His vibrant king should never look like this and Merlin felt as if something had cracked inside of him.

 “You were wrong, you know,” Merlin whispered, his voice trembling as much as his hands. He gently reached over, stroking Arthur’s cheek with the backs of his fingers, as if hoping to waken him from a peaceful slumber. When Arthur didn’t stir, Merlin found himself wishing that Mordred hadn’t been killed. He would do anything to extract revenge on the man who had stolen his heart from him.

“You are worth my tears.”

Something cracked inside of Merlin and he felt himself folding his body over Arthur’s one, truly protecting it from the elements this time. The storm intensified around them, but Merlin didn’t feel the rain. He was safe here, as long as he kept hold of Arthur’s body and didn’t let him go. Nothing was ever going to part them, that was what they had vowed.

But as his tears flowed faster and faster, Merlin knew Arthur had broken his promise and left him. The betrayal of that promise was signalled by every fall of a tear and the agony just spiralled deeper and deeper. Every time one touched Arthur, Merlin was just reminded that Arthur wasn’t there to scold him for being a girl and crying.

As the storm finally began to run its cause and Merlin’s magic calmed down to an exhausted slump, he found a new determination springing to life.

He would make sure that no man was worth his tears again. For it simply hurt too much.

Arthur was the only one who would ever be worth it from now on.


End file.
